Babies are disgusting

My husband and I went out to dinner to celebrate his… well, and mine… and our anniversary since it was his birthday, and we missed my birthday due to a screaming newborn, and our anniversary wasn’t a big show because I was so hugely, uncomfortably pregnant.

So we put on our best and went out, but not before cleaning baby barf off of my dress.

baby barf

Babies are disgusting.

I have more than 200 pictures of my son being cute, but I don’t have even one picture of my son being disgusting, which is his natural state.

…usually because I’m covered in or trying to contain whatever gross thing has just happened.

Here are a few of the truly disgusting things I’ve discovered since becoming a parent (and no one warned me) about babies:

1. Newborn eye gunk

Babies cry. Babies cry a lot. But newborn babies cannot cry tears because their tear ducts aren’t developed fully at birth.

Super useful.

So when a baby cries, instead of tears, the tear ducts get clogged and… gunky. My son’s right eye was so gunky from clogged tear ducts, it needed to be cleaned constantly for like two weeks.

And it was disgusting.

2. Baby hair

Go ahead. Wash your baby’s hair. I’ll wait.

 

Are you done? Baby’s hair clean? New diaper, fresh onesie, clean socks?

OK, now, touch your baby’s hair.

It’s disgusting, right?!

3. Spit up

When my son was first born and up to about six weeks old, he had terrible reflux — not bad enough that he needed medical attention — but just bad enough that it made him a tiny baby barf machine.

He spit up constantly.

We did everything we could think of to limit the barfing — more burping during feedings, which really just meant more barfing; less movement during and after feedings; sleeping on an incline… We even took him to the doctor to make sure nothing was wrong.

Nope! He’s totally fine — just pro at barfing.

Now, at three months old, he spits up less often and usually in less quantity. But, just last week, he barfed so fantastically after his morning meal, I was coated from shoulder to foot!

And it was disgusting.

4. Drool

Drool is new for my son. He’s not cutting teeth yet so his drool is all-on-his-own saliva production fit to fill a bathtub.

My husband and I have just succumbed to the fact that our shoulders will be forever damp… from spit up or drool.

And it’s disgusting.

5. Skin folds

Babies have a lot of skin, but they do not have the mass to fill the skin at birth — so they end up with folds.

Lots and lots of folds.

Neck folds, armpit folds, thigh folds… folds, folds, folds.

What happens when babies spit up?

It gets in the folds.

You think you cleaned the folds?

You didn’t clean the folds.

If you fail to wash your baby’s folds thoroughly… like three times a day, at least.. yeast will grow in the folds.

Yeast.

In the baby folds.

*hork*

And it’s disgusting.

6. Toe cheese

It will amaze you that a baby can get so much… gunk… in his toes for never going anywhere barefoot.

Or anywhere, at all.

You know… because babies can’t walk.

No matter! Those precious toes will collect as much gunk as a clogged tear duct whether you keep his feet in socks, shoes or saran wrap. (Note: Do not saran wrap your baby’s feet.)

Toes are not the only victims of cheese. The crevices of your baby’s hands and in between fingers will also fill with whatever gunk he touches. Fingernails, too.

What is he touching?

I have no idea.

Can you stop it?

No.

And it’s disgusting.

7. Poo-plosion

When you become a parent, you know you have to change poopy diapers.

It’s a given.

Nine times out of 10, the poopy diaper is of normal color, quantity and smell. Yes, you’ll notice different smells (which is also disgusting).

But every so often… there is a diaper that is not… normal.

This diaper is a poo-plosion.

You’ll know it when you see it.

We have lost three adorable baby onesies to poo-plosions.

And every time was disgusting.

8. Poo-pocalypse

If you’re lucky, you won’t encounter poo-pocalypse…

Wait, who am I kidding? You’re a parent. You better doomsday prep for this one…

It’s going to be disgusting.

…so about our Birthdanniversary, we ate…

You probably don’t want to hear about food right now, do you?

No.

So here’s an adorable picture of my baby being adorable and looking a bit like an old man.

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Guess what he did to those shorts…

Yoga body

Except for a little more squish in my midsection and the disappearance of my derriere — a phenomenon known as “mum bum” — the look of my body has returned to its pre-pregnancy state. At least when it’s covered in clothes that… still… mostly… sort of fit.

Cheers for elastic waists!

If you were to see me without a shirt, however, you’d see some remaining marks of pregnancy: The slowly fading stretch marks across the front and sides of my stomach and the super slowly fading linea nigra — the line that some women get from naval to pubic bone during pregnancy. Lucky me, my line started at my rib cage.

And it’s crooked to boot.

Regardless, my body is at its new normal, fully recovered from the C-section with a few scars. Since I’m not pregnant anymore, my body is also yoga-ready!

Or… yoga-able.

baby in a bouncy chair while mom does yoga
What to do with the baby when you want to do yoga… give him his monster and make funny faces at him between chaturangas.

Yoga is like riding a bike. You don’t forget the postures; it’s easy to fall back into the flows.

I expected — and encountered — stiffness, tightness, shakiness. My back doesn’t bend the way it used to. My hamstrings are tightly wound cords. My balance… well, there’s another carryover from pregnancy, but my body still knows what to do.

What I didn’t expect was the awkwardness of my fingers and toes.

When before my toes could hug the mat, gripping it for stabilization and strength, now it’s as if they’re stuck in glue. In yoga, you’re supposed to be able to move through space while grounded — wiggly toes required. When before my fingers could bear the weight of my body in Upward Dog, now they bend and break from the slightest weight of a high Cobra.

It’s amazing what falls apart when you stop practicing.

Instead of going straight back to power yoga, which might kill me, I’ve been doing short flows I collected online while I was pregnant.

A yoga flow by Jennifer Partridge for Thrive Market to banish bloat and improve digestion, which was simple and short…

A “Tone Your Asana” yoga flow for legs and butt by Emily-Clare Hill for Gokker, which was not simple but was short enough that I didn’t die…

…and my new favorite — a metabolism-boosting flow that’s all about balance (and is the flow during which I discovered how weird my toes got).

It feels good to have long legs again, even if they shorten up an hour later. Oh, well. Practice makes perfect.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to go back to my favorite ever power yoga class at the YMCA soon, but I’m not ready to leave my son in the Drop-In Kid Zone while I go to class.

Maybe it’s because he’s my first baby — and my only baby, no one get excited — or maybe it’s because he’s only three months old *sob*, but I am terrified to leave him with anyone other than family.

Insta (42)

Even if only for an hour.

My friends tell me this will pass, and I’ll want to hand him off to the nearest janitor for five minutes’ peace.

Until then, I’ll stay home to do my workouts, and so will Henry.

We do baby yoga all the time :)

child abuse prevention awareness month

April is Child Abuse Prevention Awareness month

I joined Junior League of Wichita as a new member for the league year 2016-2017.

…I say it that way because I joined the League last year, but last year’s not over yet.

Anyway, I spent my new member year learning about the League — how it works, what it does, etc. — and I’m excited to start my first active year working for the League’s focus since 2011: Combating child abuse in the Wichita area through awareness, prevention and intervention.

The League works with several area organizations, including the Child Advocacy Center, as well as area elementary schools to combat child abuse. For example, we work with social workers in schools to present our “Someone to Talk To” Puppet Show to third and fourth grade classrooms to have conversations about physical and sexual abuse and to encourage children to talk to someone if they’re being abused. The League also manages and sponsors childabusewichita.org.

We kicked off the cause this year by “planting” blue pinwheels at Bradley Fair, wearing blue (#whyblue) and carrying our trash bag hand bags (#trashbaghandbag).

blue pinwheel for child abuse prevention month

Blue is the color of Child Abuse Prevention Awareness Month, and the pinwheel is supposed to represent childhood.

And it’s a pretty good representation. If you’ve ever seen a large quantity of pinwheels spinning in the wind — the Kansas wind — all at once, your inner child will celebrate gleefully. Because it’s really fun, and there’s no way to explain it other than…

Eeeeeeeeeee!!!

Other than squealing.

Like a little kid.

So Junior League of Wichita women wore blue and covered Bradley Fair in pinwheels. They let us; we didn’t just stuff them in the ground willy-nilly.

junior league of wichita wears blue #whyblue

pinwheels for prevention

Throughout the month, Junior League of Wichita will continue its work with area organizations who work to prevent child abuse. This week, we’re carrying blue trash bags in place of our usual handbags — mine will be in addition to the bag I carry with my pumping supplies and my diaper bag (if I’ve got a baby in tow) — to raise awareness about the struggles children removed from the home face.

Often, when children are placed in protective custody, their belongings are put in a trash bag. We believe these kids deserve better than trash bags so #trashbaghandbag not only raises awareness about this issue, but it also collects donations to purchase duffel bags with clothes, journals, personal hygiene care items and gift cards for these children. ICT SOS, a Wichita organization committed to fighting human trafficking, will help assemble and distribute the duffel bags to local hospitals and agencies where social workers can give them to children in the community.

Donations can be made at jlwichita.org/support, by clicking the “Donate” button next to the name of one of the #trashbaghandbag campaign ambassadors. I’m going to put in the plug for Junior League of Wichita president-elect Laura Roddy.

Each duffel donation is valued at $75-$100 so, if you give $75-$100, you’re giving an entire bag to a child in our community. How great is that?! Maybe you work in an office or on a team of 10 employees. If each of you donate $10, you’re office or team has just created an entire bag. Easy!

Or you can wear blue and raise awareness with #whyblue. My closet has one blue shirt (that still fits) so I’m going to carry the blue trash bag this week — to the grocery store, to work, to the coffee shop, to lunch — and tell everyone I see everything I just wrote.

Children deserve better than trash bags, and, together, we can combat child abuse in our community.