Cravings (and hormones)

I has a sad.

While my sad is most likely the result of my wonky hormones, I still have a right to feel sad and depressed, and I shall until it goes away. (Yes. It is that “time of the month,” but you do not get to blame my sad on that. – Sorry… I am also a little grumpy and need to place blame on something that is not myself.) :(

In order to cheer myself up, I have decided to post a funny blog! Sadness is not the only side-effect of a menstrual cycle; so are CRAVINGS!

Women have cravings, even women who are not “preggers” (a.k.a. with child). Cravings can stem from a number of things, like hormones during menstruation, loneliness, sadness, other random emotions, insanity and desire, among others. Most of the time, the men in our lives think these cravings are for chocolate, flowers and diamonds (because those are presents), which is SO not true.

At least, it’s not true for me.

Don’t get me wrong. If Husband decides to bring home the Secret Garden and 10-foot diamond encrusted chocolate bar, I will fully enjoy both of them. However, when I’m having real cravings, a serious need for something I just can’t control, the reproductive organs of plant life and sugar –sparkly or no –are not going to cut it! No matter how many pieces of gum I chew or how many apples I eat to curb the hunger… there is no way to make my craving for salty, melted cheese covered foods like nacho cheese and French fries go away.

I’ve defeated it twice in one day and succumbed to it at MIDNIGHT. It stays with me. It’s like the herpes of food cravings. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

For example, one day I wanted some French fries from Spangles. I W.A.N.T.E.D these fries dead or alive… on a scale from one to ten, definitely ten.

In order to keep myself from eating their deliciousness, I made an English muffin because British things are probably better for me than French things. I ate the muffin with one tablespoon of butter, which I measured perfectly, and a half tablespoon of jelly. It was tasty, but it did not do battle well with my craving.

So, I waited. I even played outside with the dog to “forget” that I had a craving. All I was doing was lying to myself.

After the muffin and the playtime with Ivan-kav (which I call him because it sounds extra Russian, even though he’s German…), I couldn’t keep myself in my house. I had to get out. I had to get those fries!

I walked out the door and prayed for lightening to strike me. No rain, all shine. It was a perfect day for French fries. I got in my car and prayed for it not to start. I said, and I quote myself, “If my car doesn’t start on the first try (it NEVER does), I will go back in the house. I will not get fast food.”

The damn car started!

So I pulled out of my driveway. You may be thinking that I wanted to get hit by another vehicle or be called away by some emergency. You are thinking wrong. When I’m in a car, all I think about is safely getting back out of the car. It’s like a death sentence if you think bad thoughts while driving.

Instead, I drove around for about 10 minutes (sans fries) and went back home. I was a conqueror… with a slightly larger carbon footprint. Yay.

When Husband woke up, the craving was stifled slightly for my need to get as much time in with Husband before he left for work and I went to bed. But the craving was there the entire time… lurking like… things that freakin’ lurk.

He left for work. I prepared myself for bed. I even brushed my teeth AND used mouthwash. I hate mouthwash! (I also hate the taste of toothpaste, and it is an ordeal for me to get it out of my mouth every morning –and especially at night because I don’t eat anything afterward.)

At midnight, almost exactly, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I got up, put shoes on, but did not bother to put real clothes on, and walked out of my house to my car. I drove to Spangles (not even the least bit mad they were open so late –it was Saturday) and ordered a medium fry. They asked if I wanted a smoothie, and I almost felt bad, but I said, “No! Mango Smoothies are not going to fix my problems! French fries are!” And I don’t even like mangos. (Can you figure out how to eat them? No. I didn’t think so.)

I went home, ate those fries and slept peacefully until Husband woke me up the next morning.

My failure, while INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE, was so good.

Cravings… the little devils on my shoulder are not ice cream, chocolate or diamonds. They are French fries –French fry devils screaming in my ear how good they would taste covered in nacho cheese.

(Where did I get the cheese? It was already at the house…)

This is not even the only incidence of me losing a cravings battle. Sometimes, I need fried chicken too with gravy from Sonic, which doesn’t even taste good! Most of the time though I want Spangles French fries, and it cannot be helped.

Failure is really good for your taste buds. Think about that instead of the inch or so my waistline probably gained. Don’t think about that. That’s depressing.

Human beings crave carbs and sugar because they stimulate serotonin production. Serotonin is the “feel-good” hormone, which makes us calm and confident.

Try these tips from Beachbody to curb your cravings.

  • Treat yourself. Go ahead and eat those fries/chocolate/éclairs because when you deny yourself, you just want it more.
  • Think 25 minutes into the future. Explained: It takes 12 minutes for a thinner person’s brain to register that he or she has eaten, but it can take twice as long for a person who is overweight.
  • Skip the gravy and the dip. They’re no good for you anyway, and you can save room for a delectable dessert!
  • Get lots of sleep to relieve stress. Stress releases the hormone cortisol, which tells you you’re hungry even when you’re full. Sleep relieves stress.
  • Work out! Your workout will keep you grounded, even when stressed.

They also suggest you join their team. I am a member, and I have a coach, but I don’t do much on their website. Maybe the Beachbody team will work for your kind of dedication. It’s not always my cup of tea.

Good luck, ladies, in defeating your cravings! Of course -if you really, really want that dark chocolate covered nut-caramel bar -go ahead. One candy is not going to kill you (we hope). ;)

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